You are on your stomach. Your face is pressed into the gnarled surface of a concrete footbridge. Your pants are to your knees.
A stranger lies on your back, heavy as lead. The blade of his knife you hold in your right hand. He holds the handle. His other hand is down between your legs.
He lets go of the knife. You grab it now with both hands.
Thwack!Whack! He beats your hands into the concrete. Thwack again! Your face hits the concrete as he starts to beat you in the head.
His weight lifts from your body. You spin around to face him. He takes the knife.
He guides you under some trees and rapes you there with the knife held to your side.
How would you deal with the pain from something like that? How would you deal with the violation , the humiliation, the anger?
Then months later in a shopping centre- "You know she's a slut". And later still "Slut" "There's slut" "Whore" etc., etc., etc.
So this is the " Blow upon a Bruise"(1) The pain that is inflicted before you are even healed from the first blow.
I cannot explain why people think that abusing a complete stranger is acceptable just because a rapist says so. I am not a slut and was never called one until after I was raped but this has been my experience since the rape and only 1 man so far has come to me and apologised for abusing me.
And how would you deal with this added pain? This inexplicable callous abuse not of your body this time but of your sense of self?
I remember I would come home from work and just sit in the bathtub with the shower water running on my head. The droplets falling on my head and shoulders, the sound of the water in my ears -blocking out everything else. I didn't have to think about anything. I just sat there for an hour and a half or two doing nothing believing that at least I had the sanctity of the privacy of my home.
I was not able to talk about the rape then and this is often the case with victims of sexual abuse. Due to self-doubts and guilt and fear they will not speak about the crimes committed against them(2).
But now I do talk about it and write poetry about the rape and the abuse which is one way I have found to deal with it.
In a Story of Survival by Cecily she also speaks of using water not only to cleanse her after being raped but rather to soothe her.
"I didn’t feel dirty or ashamed after I was raped. I was scared, freaked out, and then really, really angry. I remember at the time just wanting to scream and let out a kind of roar of rage. At the end of the night, after going back to where the rape had happened with the police, after medical examinations and after talking with the police for hours and hours, I finally came home and had a shower. But it wasn’t because I felt dirty or embarrassed or ashamed, it was because I was so tired and water can be so soothing. "(3)
In a story by Zoe http://www.survivingtothriving.org/shareyourstory
she talks of disassociation, derealization, suicidal depression, self-mutilation and panic attacks plus other clinical manifestations after the rape.
These are symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which occurs to about one third of women post rape(3).
Research indicates that talking about rape soon after it has occurred reduces the risk of PTSD(4). Above all " present control over one's recovery process" was the most influential component in lessening the symptoms of PTSD(5).
Unfortunately alot of rape and sexual abuse victims also choose alcohol and drugs to numb the pain of the abuse.
(1)Peters J & Kaye L 2003 Chidhood sexual abuse: a review of its impact on older women entering institutional settings Clinical Gerontologist vol. 26 no.3/4 pp.41
(2)Michelle Cazzulino 'Victims find courage to speak of sex abuse' Daily Telegraph Thursday August 15th 2002
(3)Cecily 1998 A story of survival Dulwich Centre Journal 2&3 pp. 64-67 Dulwich Centre Publications(4)Ullman S, Filipas H, Townsend S & Starzynski L 2007 Psychosocial correlates of PTSD symptom severity in sexual assault survivors Journal of Traumatic Stress vol.20 no.5 pp.821
(5)ibid. p.827
(6)ibid. p.829
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